ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
