My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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