i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
