My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
