I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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