I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
