We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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