I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
