Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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