dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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