god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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