the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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