meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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