Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wish my penis had an off switch
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
