my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
