I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
