the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
