I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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