Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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