Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
