remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I want to be your penis for a week.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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