I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
