Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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