the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
