I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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