you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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