i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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