There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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