somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
