I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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