I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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