Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
