I want to walk on stilts...naked
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
