my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
