At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
