she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
