i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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