If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
