they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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