if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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