Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
