My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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