I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
