do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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