Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She bit a glass in half.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
