i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
