I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Oh god it's open bar.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
