o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
