I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
