Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
