woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
